One of the things we didn't talk about on the podcast much was those deeper religious/faith aspects of the story. (We covered a lot of ground in the 6 hours of talking about it that we did, but there wasn't room for everything, and this was not a theology podcast.) The reason why this story stuck with me since I first read it back in 200mumble was because of the questions it left me asking and contemplating.
Recently, Beth at Pantsuit Politics was trying to articulate a similar question: How do I reconcile my concept of karma with my concept of grace? I want to take some time to think through this for a couple sets of characters.
(SPOILERS FOR THE WHOLE SERIES AHOY!)
Shion raped Mokuren, and then it seemed like she forgave him completely and they were going to live happily (virus-shortened lives) ever after. People started dying, Shukaido figured out a vaccine that would delay the virus from taking hold but only had enough for one dose.
I want to point out that I don't think anyone was doing their best thinking or making their best choices in this unimaginably horrible situation (your whole society had annihilated itself in nuclear war, and you were alone in the back end of the universe on an observational base you could not get out of for the rest of your lives). There were SO MANY BETTER CHOICES he could have made. But.
A voice told him that he couldn't let all his work go to waste, and if the vaccine worked, he'd be choosing who would be the last to die. And he knew that would be terrible. And he chose to inflict that fate on Shion because of all their history together and what he'd done to Mokuren and how he had not had to suffer/pay for it. He chose to take God's place and administer karma himself.
I don't think he EVER thought it would mean 9 years alone on the moon slowly going crazy. But he still chose cruelty and punishment instead of just leaving that up to God. And then he died, probably pleased that he had helped get revenge / bring about some sort of justice. And then Haru had to live with remembering that.
And the consequences. It was a vile act. It was an intentional act. It was an evil, unforgivable act. And Shion could not forgive it for so long. This is some sins of the fathers visited on the sons stuff here. Haru didn't do it, but he sure suffered for it. Shion made sure he suffered for it. And I know "insane from being on the moon base alone for 9 years" Shion was in the mix here, but it's hard to watch him revenge so hard on someone who is essentially an innocent (Haru)for a thing someone else (Shukaido) did in the past when he (Shion) . . . didn't get punished the way he surely deserved when he did a terrible thing. I don't know. When the servant who was forgiven much won't forgive less, that’s hard to watch. Especially when I know whose role I am often in (spoiler alert: it's the unforgiving servant who was forgiven much). When you want grace for yourself but karma all the way down for others, that is . . . Well, it's not good.
And maybe that's why, even though I recognize the monstrous and mostly unintended consequences of the choice of a dying man under terrible circumstances, I don't want Shion to come and take advantage of it and torture Haru over it. How is Haru supposed to atone for a terrible thing Shukaido did? Why does he feel like he has to atone for it? What could possibly be done to repair / make reparations? As long as insane Shion is driving the bus, definitely nothing. But, honestly, if sane, changed Shion after Mokuren forgave him had been driving that bus, how could justice be served?
I think it's also complicated because Haru doesn't do bad things. He doesn't try to manipulate people. He isn't doing nefarious deeds for some mysterious purpose that only makes more sense when you realize insanity is a puzzle piece. It's easy to root for Haru and against Shion. But in my own life, when someone has hurt me, aren't I sometimes more like Shion? Don't I want karma for them, karma for a thousand years, karma all the way down? Or, less dramatically, don't I feel like they deserve the harshest version of justice?
However, when I have harmed other people, I want them to understand the full circumstances and complexity and my intentions, and I don't want to be held accountable, to face justice for the harms that are my responsibility, no matter the cause. I want grace and forgiveness with no repair necessary. I just want them to understand and absolve. Or even just absolve because life is hard for everyone (me), and it's such a relief when someone extends grace, unmerited favor, forgiveness I do not deserve and have not and could not ever earn. (Salvation.)
(But the insanity of Shion. Yes, that makes everything more complicated because of how it overtakes Rin, overpowers him, and we watch this little boy doing these insane and hurtful things and can't help but want him to be punished, especially before we know about the insanity. But then we do know more about the insanity and . . . It's so complicated.)
In the end, I think Haru did the best he could with his ancestral / incarnational bloodguilt for an action he did not take that harmed another whose descendant / reincarnation was put back into his path again later. He tried his best to see that Rin, at least, could find some sort of forgiveness and salvation and maybe that the spirit / soul /consciousness of Shion could find some sort of peace being with the one he truly loved despite (waves hands in despair) everything. The wrong was not precisely his, but he inherited it, took responsibility, and worked to repair and bring about some sort of flourishing shalom, as much as it was within his ability to try. And I think it's important that what he could bring to help was other people who also were looking to bring about redemption and connection.
Posts
